Postpartum: getting back to "normal"

As a surrogate, the most common question received is, "Won't it be hard giving up the baby?"

Simply stated, "No. Not at all."

I can only speak from my experience, but I think most other surrogates agree that this couldn't be less difficult.

The mindset is completely different for this child and their family. The application process, matching with the IPs, medical screening, drugs, transfer, pregnancy. It is all for this new family. Conscious decisions are made and they are all so this couple can have the family they've been dreaming about and working for.

When delivery day came, I felt guilty that Michael and Jason wouldn't be able to make it to the birth of their little girl. I hated making that FaceTime call. As soon as Bunny was born, my husband, Justin, was at the warming cart taking photos and video to send to the new dads before their flight. After she was bundled up, Justin held her and it was reminiscent of the birth of our son. I was afraid Justin was beginning to become attached, which worried me. Then, he looked up at me, smirked and said, "We get to go home and sleep after this!" I laughed and knew he was back in reality.

I have to give Michael and Jason the highest complement: they are awesome dads. The anxiety and awkwardness of typical new parents didn't show. Besides Thea's beautiful wardrobe of dresses, it couldn't have been more clear how much love (and spoiling) this little girl is in for. I enjoyed the two weeks they were here and was happy to be a part of it all. It was priceless to see the family bonds form.

Dempsey and I met them at the airport to pick up the car seat they had borrowed from a co-worker (it really does take a village!). I was so nervous to see them go. In all honesty, I didn't want to meet them. I didn't want to cry in front of them. I knew I would be a mess and I didn't want them to remember me like that; I didn't want that to be my "goodbye."

At the end of our adventure, saying goodbye to the baby was easy. I was sad to say goodbye to her dads. For almost a year, our entire relationship was because of this wonderful baby girl. The contract, the transfer, the heartbeat confirmation, the sonogram and first meeting with Michael and Jason, the emails, the Skype and FaceTime calls and eventually the birth. All for her. And while I'm quite fond of her, I'm very fond of her parents and the relationship we have built. Surrogacy brought a farm girl from the middle of the US and a couple from the United Kingdom together - in what other world would we have ever met?

While they are thankful beyond words to me and mine for our help with their family, I'm ever gracious to them. They were always so kind and respectful to me and my family and I can't thank them enough for letting me experience their joy. Justin even said, "We won the lottery with them." I love my photo updates of Thea and am so excited to see a new e-mail from her dads.

So, at the fork in our road, I hugged each of them as they dragged their excessive baggage to the airport terminal. We kept it short and sweet. Luckily, my sunglasses helped me appear to be keeping it together. As I drove away, I turned up my Pop Hits and Technotronic iTunes radio station and tried to sing and shoulder dance to entertain my toddler. Tears fell to commemorate the end of a chapter in my life, but I hold so much excitement to have the opportunity to see them as a family.

34 Weeks

I have five weeks left of being pregnant.

HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!?

Michael and Jason fly in to KC in one month. I'm excited to see them again and excited to help them set up their temporary apartment for their new family.

This little foot photo is a few weeks old. I'm sure it is bigger now and I can assure you it is much more tappy these days. During the ultrasound she was wiggly and playing with her other foot. Both of those little feet like to find their way into my ribs. She prefers me to use proper, upright posture - She's already so British.
Hopefully, she'll have (at least) a little bit of fuzz for hair. She was measuring in the 61st percentile for size. I like that; she's no behemoth and she'll still be healthily sized.

It has been such a relief to have such a boring pregnancy. Isn't that what everyone hopes for? Nothing to get nervous about and everything to go according to the plan. I do have a follow-up appointment with the neurologist this week. My CT scan was normal, so that is good news. Hopefully, those strange symptoms were just a weird fluke that will disappear.

Dempsey is finally noticing my sizable bump. I lifted my shirt to show him and he laughed and proceeded to drum on it a little while. He felt her kick last night and quickly pulled his little hand away. I suppose that would be weird if you weren't expecting it!

I may have thoroughly confused the poor child by telling him there is a bunny residing in that bump. However, it was pretty funny when he walked over to Justin and asked if he was also smuggling a bunny in his belly. My very audible laugh received a glare.

Little known fact

This is the real reason our pregnancy stuck...

THAT will make the embryo stick!

In all honesty, as soon as I got up there, I thought, "WHAT AM I DOING! I am supposed to be taking it easy!" and immediately went and laid down.

I had a check up last Monday at 27 weeks. I passed the glucose test with flying colors, just as I knew I would. I did make the mistake of eating a huge "farm girl" breakfast before deciding to down my orange sugar juice. I was terrified I was going to vomit on the way to the doctor's office. Did you know you have to drink another one if you can't keep it down? What torture!

I gained 5 pounds, to which my amazing nurse quickly stated, "Oh my! She's gone through quite the growth spurt!" What a smart woman.

We also set the induction date! April 14 is delivery day! Michael and Jason have already {and excitedly} booked their flights and started packing. 

Michael pointed out that there were only 12 weeks left. I asked him how that made him and Jason feel: "Terrified!" I thought that was a laughable moment. Mainly, because it is completely NORMAL!  

12 weeks left!

Diva via Osmosis

I recently broke the news to Michael and Jason that their little girl would be a diva.

I'm starting to think nurture is winning over nature...

We were at home and I was passing by Justin the other night and my belly shocked him. 
 

"Your belly just shocked me."  

"I know, I think it was Bunny. She can be kind of witchy, sometimes."

After a brief pause he followed up with:

"Well... it's not genetic, so maybe she got that way by osmosis..." 

New Year - Full of High Hopes

Pregnancies are full of milestones.

The fact that we just past Christmas and New Year is a measurable milestone. 

At 24 weeks, I think Bunny is going to be a diva. As I was sitting at my desk yesterday, I stood up and could feel her stretched out to the max. As my center of gravity has shifted, it almost felt like my body was weighted forward. I imagine her looking like this kitten, all stretched out, comfortable and adorable, just more human-like and a lot less fuzzy.

As of my last doctor's appointment, I have gained 11 pounds. Seems like GREAT progress! Hardly noticeable, that is, until I have to run up the stairs in our house. I shouldn't be getting so winded! I have plans to start exercising a little more regularly, because my leaf-raking regimen doesn't seem to be cutting it.

I actually have a noticeable and sizable bump. I have to get a photographer (i.e. Justin) because I just can't twist just right to get one of myself. "Vain," you say? Heck yes! I'm not going to have a toilet in the background because that was the only mirror I could capture myself in!

My next appointment is in a few weeks. I'll have my glucose test and may have a tentative induction date by then!

Tap Dancer

 

I was in denial for a while.

It's undeniable now; Bunny is kicking or tap dancing like a Riverdance girl.

My OB told me I have a posterior placenta (meaning it's attached at the back of my baby tank) so it would be a little longer before I could feel her really clogging around (my words, not hers).  At 20 weeks, let it be written, she made her presence known.








At 21 weeks, she is about 10.5 inches long and weighs just a little less than a pound. I'm still not that big out front, but definitely fitting well into my maternity clothes. The cold Kansas weather lets my bulky pea coat hide the extra me. That makes picking Dempsey up from daycare a lot easier without any extra questions about reserving an extra space for the Young family.

Hopefully I can get the Bellybuds out this week and start some Baby Mozart jam sessions. For those of you that don't know, Bellybuds are little speakers you stick to your growing belly to play music or other audio. I got them as a gift with my son and I think they are great. Dempsey is quite the music connoisseur and at age two enjoys Call Me Maybe, Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus (referred to as "the broken girl...)... but only if these artists are singing with Jimmy Fallon (truth be told, he really loves Jimmy Fallon).

Our goal with Bellybuds this go-round, is to have Michael and Jason record their voices to play to Bunny. I've heard that Alice in Wonderland is currently in production. Until then, she'll be listening to Baby Mozart, the Lumineers, Mumford and Sons... and maybe Katy Perry... Or Jimmy Fallon if Dempsey has anything to say about it!

15 weeks

No. I am not ready to post a photo of my figure.

The truth is, I just look pudgy. I'm not really "showing," but, instead, look like I filled up at the local buffet. My pants don't button (comfortably) and I don't mind belting them on. But do I have that beautiful pregnancy bump? No. More of a lump, if anything, but I'm okay with that. I still get to wear spandex!

Bunny is about the size of an apple. Bunny still has a lot of ripening to do, but actually looks like a tiny baby.

Someone asked how far along I was. They gasped and said, "I didn't realize you were that far." I hadn't really thought about it, but then I realized, I'll be half way in a month! AHHH!

I guess I've been blissfully ignorant and going about my daily routine. It is after all the last day of October, that fact alone is daunting.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, candy-filled Halloween. Justin is in charge of Dempsey's trick-or-treating as I have my master's class tonight. That little donkey will be getting his Hee-Haw on without me.

The best thing...

The best thing about my surrogacy journey so far is that no one has asked me to step on a scale.

No one.

Not NEFI, not my local monitoring clinic, not my IPs and definitely, not my husband.

Clearly, that is not the best thing about the surrogacy journey, but it's a nice perk. I was expecting to be weighed, measured, poked and prodded. Basically, all of the prior stated is standard and routine EXCEPT weighing in.

I think that will end today. I see my personal OBGYN and I think the first order of business, besides paperwork, will be a weigh in.

I've got an idea of what my starting weight was... so we will see if there has been much of a change. If my feelings get hurt, there may be a stop for ice cream on my way back to work.

Little Peanut

It's Thursday!

Don't worry - s/he'll get much cuter...

That means it was testing day!

The little peanut's heart beat is growing and getting stronger. I could actually see the little beat on the ultra sound screen. I also think I saw the start of little limb buds! 

The nurse practitioner (who is amazing, by the way) said that this week baby looks like a peanut, but next week, baby will resemble a gummy bear, which, of course, sounds delicious to me. 

Ironically, the two things stashed in my desk drawer happen to be peanut M&Ms and gummy bears...

Meet the Parents

Due to technical difficulties with blogger, I have been asked to share this blog post from the intended parents. Hopefully this is just the first of many to come. Enjoy!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

We have been keeping a low profile as really Morgan is the star here....but now that "we" are officially pregnant, we can't control our excitement as IPs any longer. So how did we get here... five years ago we took a career break and travelled the world for a year and half. We had time to reflect and time to plan for our future away from the pressures of work and the daily grind. On a garden square in New York we got engaged and on a beach in Koh Samui we decided to explore growing our family. 

Fast forward through the rest of our travels, setting up a new business, buying a new home and researching surrogate options, we eventually met up with Circle and started the process that brought us to the news of being officially pregnant yesterday.

Once we had filled in the interminable paperwork and sought to understand how the journey would proceed, we got to the great bits...matching with our wonderful egg donor and our amazing surrogate. The matching was intuitive and we felt an immediate connection between ourselves and the two wonderful women who have helped us get this far. Words can't really explain how lucky we feel to have meet and been accepted by them. It was a nervous wait to see if they were willing to help us and it still is difficult to express how generous they have been to make it possible to arrive at this point.

Seeing the ultrasound yesterday and hearing the heartbeat was astounding. It brought tears to our mother's eyes and the still photo has been safely lodged in our wallets. There's a long journey still to go...Morgan has morning sickness, raging hormones, tiredness and more pills to take...we have to wait till our lives get turned upside down. I know we have the best of that deal but despite being an ocean away we are with her all the way.

Michael and Jason

Lucky

Sometimes I forget to stop and be thankful.

I started my adventure at the end of April. Matched with the intended parents in May. Screened in June. Started medication in July. Transferred August 2nd and officially pregnant on August 15.

That is amazing.

Do a quick Google search of "Surrogacy success rates." Let me know if you get a direct answer. 

At best, surrogates and intended parents are hoping for a 50% chance at success. HOPING FOR 50% - did you see that?

Being a part of surrogacy support group has been a great opportunity for me. While my partner and family are very supportive, there are some things that you want to share with your surrogate family. They cheer you on for appointments, blood work and pregnancy tests. They also sympathize with you for thin lining, negative pregnancy tests and sometimes, at the very worst of things, surrogacy denial from doctor and agency.

It is hard to revel in a victory when one of your surro-sisters is agonizing after her second failed transfer. It is hard to celebrate the stars aligning for a perfect outcome when one of your surro-sisters was just banned from surrogacy from something she couldn't control - her body's reaction to meds.

That being said, I find myself moving my state of mind back to cautious. I am so thankful that our journey has been so seamless, but I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous. 

Can things possibly stay this perfect? 

YES; surely, they can. 

What is Crinone?

How awesome are suppositories?

If you follow along with my blog or any other surrogates, you might hear us talk about suppositories. There are many complaints concerning surrogacy medications. I actually have none. Cri-none, to be exact (enjoy that pun...).

When I was first given my medication I was skeptical. No shots; just oral medication and suppositories. "Will that be enough?" I thought. I'm happy to report that yes, it worked perfectly to get my baby tank fluffy for a transfer.

What do these suppositories look like? How does it work, exactly? I was expecting a little gel capsule and some kind of applicator.

Crinone is just an applicator with progesterone gel. The tip to the right tears off and then the gel is expelled with that handy, dandy little air pocket.

I administer this twice daily. I would administer it 10 times daily if it meant not having to shove 3 differently sized needles into my skin, fat, thigh or rear for the better part of four months.

Transfer Week

It's nice to be home.

As I walked into the office today, several women asked if I was pregnant. Maybe, but isn't it a bit too soon, ladies?

August 2nd was the big day: embryo transfer. I was lucky enough to sucker Beatrice, my surrogacy coordinator, and Dr. Lavy into posing for a picture with me. Seriously, these people are amazing. I have nothing but awesome things to say about NEFI. I am also so sad that some people and surrogates have to experience other fertility clinics that are far less accommodating. Not only are the staff and nurses so sweet and nice (a terribly hard thing to find at a doctor's office), but Dr. Lavy is so personable. His bedside manner stands out far above the rest. Also, special shout out to Grace - my recovery nurse. She won my heart with the Oreo's and Tylenol.

The transfer is difficult to explain. Not because of the detailed procedure, but because of the emotions and feelings. I wasn't sad. My excitement had subsided and I felt nerves in the hours proceeding transfer. Perhaps pressure. Definitely pressure. As I was typing Carpe Diem, I got a text from Justin. The message wasn't anything elaborate; basically "Good luck. I love you." I felt a tear stream down my face. The hormones had finally caught up to me. I felt lucky to have a partner that was willing to let me get pregnant with someone else's baby and turn our "routine" upside down for the better part of a year. I am lucky. But let's be honest, he's pretty lucky he snagged a hot lady that can make this gown look good!


After gown-ing up, I went into the "operating" room. It was like any other "lady" appointment, except I had my mother behind me, my intended parents tuning in via Skype over my left shoulder, a nurse with an ultra sound and a lab coordinator walk in with a foot-long blastocyte-containing catheter for transfer. "The best part?" you ask - Beethoven booming over the speakers during the five minutes that passed. Completion was topped off with a round of applause from Jason and Michael, probably intended for Dr. Lavy, but I like to take a little bit of credit...

Look at those beautiful blastocytes!
Eight embryos were thawed. Seven survived the thaw. Three were deemed acceptably healthy for transfer. Two, the healthiest boy and girl, were transferred.

Michael and Jason were sweet enough to send me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and chocolate-covered strawberries. Dempsey received a teddy bear for giving up his mum for the week.

In case you were wondering, YES the flowers made it home! It took some creative thinking and packing, but, alas, they made it and are a beautiful addition to my kitchen counter.



I was even lucky enough to bump into two surrogates out of my support group, Chana and Carrie!  Chana is from Cali and Carrie is from Charlotte(ish). How great is it that a support group set up on Facebook can bring total strangers together. I had never met the women, and yet, it was like we were long lost friends.

Yoga: My Zen

I haven't even started my hormone therapy and I'm already hormonal.

Thankfully, I have the opportunity to de-stress with an hour of yoga on my lunch break a few times a week. I think this will be my saving grace throughout the pre-pregnancy stage, as well as the actual duration of the pregnancy.

I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow! That means I will go in to a local fertility clinic to have them poke and prod me (i.e. v. ultrasound and maybe a blood test) and I will then start my fertility pills. More details on that to come!

Spoiler alert: Jason and Michael have picked a name for their precious little baby! I can't bring myself to divulge such information yet, though... you'll just have to check back in later!

Counting it down

In one month from today, I will be attending my "readiness" appointment prepping for an embryo transfer!

This is my last "drug-free" week. I will be getting my medication in a couple of days.

The good news about my fertility drugs: I don't have to use any needles. I would have been okay with needles; I had already lined up my administering volunteers.

The other news about my fertility drugs. I have two pills. One will be taken orally. One will not. I will leave most details to your imagination, but this daring little pill gets to boldly go where no pill has gone before.

FAQs and concerns

Everyone Else's FAQs:

1. "How will you give up the baby?"

• Simply stated, it's not my baby. That baby belongs in the longing and loving arms of its intended parents. Of course there will be a strong connection with the child, but that is because of the strong connection I have built with its parents.

2. "How did you come to this decision?"

• It's been in the back of my mind for a while. I seriously considered it shortly after I had my own child, but Justin wasn't ready for it yet. It took some convincing, but all I really had to say was, "Look at our baby. Imagine if we couldn't have that. How empty would we feel if we couldn't hear that awesome little giggle." He was pretty much mush after that.
  
  I suppose that still doesn't answer the why. The further i am into this process, the more I will be able to answer that question. To be continued...

3. "How much money are you getting?"

• I am amazed how many people are comfortable to rudely ask this question without their brain filter catching it. I'm a pretty open person, and I really wouldn't care to tell an acquaintance my weight or how much I make at my job, but this one irritates me. A lot. Maybe because this process is about completing a family. There is a little person at stake. There is a family at stake. Surrogacy is usually a last resort and I've put a lot of pressure on myself to deliver some awesome results. And the best question these bystanders can come up with is, "How much?"
  
  My first instinct is to bark, "It's none of your G D business." After I calm that instinct, I will tell you that all of that information is readily available on pretty much every surrogacy agency website. Put in a little effort and Google it.

4. "How does that all work?"

• In my case, there is an egg donor. Her egg and one of my IP's genetic material created an embryo that is waiting for my baby tank to make a nice comfortable home. Soon, little baby embryo, soon.

My concerns:
1. How well will my family handle it?

• It's now a part of the conversation. My mom keeps getting more and more comfortable  with the task at hand, although she hasn't told any of her siblings.

  2. What should I expect for strangers reactions when they ask me about "my" baby I'm so obviously carrying?

• I didn't like the attention my own pregnancy garnered. I imagine I will like this attention even less, because I will  have to address certain reactions. It's hard to  think that the IPs can't experience that attention. To look at them, it won't be obvious to any stranger that they are expecting. I on the other hand with be having a Q&A  session in the grocery store when I just wanted to pop in for a gallon of milk. I think I may invest in one of those surrogacy T-shirts, in black of course. This lady doesn't wear white when pregnant, especially if there is a camera any where within the vicinity.

3. Failure. Multiple attempts.

• Need I say more? As difficult as it is for me, I can't imagine the agony the IPs would be experiencing. I'm trying to stay positive, but the statistics are a 50% chance of success with one embryo and around 80% with a two-embryo transfer (with standard margin of error, I'm hoping). Glass half full? The odds are just as likely to be successful so let's stay positive.

4. Postpartum

• Baby blues aren't very fun. The great thing about being a surrogate is that you don't have to stay home a feed a baby every couple hours, although I will be pumping, so it's still fairly taxing... I wonder if it is easier to dull the hormones with an anti depressant, or just leave town for a refresher. The real plan is probably keeping my baby boy home with me to keep me company and keep my mind focused.

5. Postpartum relationship

• I think every surrogate has the fear in the back of her mind that the Intended Parents just might change their minds. That the relationship they desire isn't the same as the one you desire. From their point of view it must be terrifying; they've put an amazing trust in a woman they barely know and she is carrying their child. She could go crazy and skip town with their precious cargo or a variety of other scenarios. I hope that my family becomes an extension of their family. 

6. Hero Award

• Let me be very clear. I don't think I'm special. I don't think I'm great. I think I am one person trying to put some good juju out in the world. I've already been told that I am, "amazing" and "selfless." That makes me uncomfortable. I don't think of myself that way, so it is hard to give an un-awkward response when it happens. I am excited that I get to be a part of Jason and Michael's adventure. I am the lucky one that gets to get to share their experience (yes, I know, they do get a baby out of the deal, and that is pretty lucky/special/awesome).
  
  I think, especially as Americans, we forget how big the world is. I am not well traveled, I don't have a passport (YET!!) and I get really excited when I speak to someone with a "foreign" accent. Getting the opportunity to work with international intended parents let's me link to the "outside world."
  
  I also want to set an example for Dempsey. He is much too little to understand now, but I hope one day he will be able to appreciate the idea of "paying it forward" and maybe model that behavior.
  
  So really, I'm being pretty selfish. I hope Michael and Jason are okay with that - as long as they get their little honey bee, I think they will be.

We Have a Transfer Date!

August 2!

I sent Jason and Michael this message:

 I finished the note telling them they needed to call their mothers at their earliest convenience.
Jason replied back very quickly with:

 I literally have trouble containing a huge smile every time Jason uses, "OMG." I love that reaction; it makes him seem so candid and boyish. I love it.
And here is Michael's reaction:

I laughed out loud in my cubicle at work. "Restrained Brits," such an image to upkeep... :D


It is barely more than a month away and it seems so far away!  I was excited, but their excitement sent me over the top and should carry me through the rest of the week, at least.

Contract signed

Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

Please enjoy this GLEE video of the same name.

It's amazing that the anxiety I had a few days ago has just melted away. A great way to end the week and I'm looking forward to my skype date with my IPs discussing the IFV details.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Contracts and the Nitty Gritty

I've passed the screening. We've been matched. My body has been medically approved. Now we negotiate the contract.

The word itself, contract, sounds so cold and business like. 

Obviously, I understand the necessity of it all. Let's be honest, most surrogates aren't legal junkies. I would assume a select few enjoy reading business/legal documents for fun, which just makes those 37 pages (give or take a few) of legal jargon painful. But you can bet your sweet little fanny I read every word of that thing while diligently adding my concerns, comments and edits throughout the day. Justin - well he read through it in less than an hour and e-mailed, "Looks good to me."

Yesterday, I got a little down. I was frustrated. Honestly, I felt dirty. I felt guilt. I thought that something in my concerns or edits could or might offend my IPs. I had not expected that a stack of papers would make me feel like that. I shouldn't have allowed myself to feel like that, but I suppose my great-grandparent's Irish Catholic guilt may run a little thick in my veins. 

I'm excited for the end of this week. My hope is that it will be finished and signed and we can move on to the more personal side of things. 

Spreading the News

My mother made a notable milestone.

She was at an off-site training for her job and was asked to for an introduction and some information about herself. She decided to tell them about my surrogacy adventure! I have to thank the people in the training with her; they were very supportive, said very nice things and gave her such a positive reaction.

This is a big step for my mom. Since I told her about becoming a surrogate, she hasn't told anyone; not siblings, not co-workers, not anyone. Of course, this group consisted of strangers that she would never see again, but being able to say it out loud with a warm response will make it easier to tell other people she actually knows. I'm very proud that she was willing to share such a personal journey. Surrogacy will probably be most difficult for her, the worrier. It can't be easy having your child do something potentially dangerous. I almost lost it when Dempsey rode his fire truck scooter down four feet of stairs and that was over in 2 seconds - this journey is at least a year.

I have told all of my close friends, have posted my blog on Facebook (omitting all family members until my mother feels comfortable talking to them about it), told everyone at work and generally just about any relevant person I come into contact with. Justin, on the other hand, has said he doesn't plan on telling anyone "until there is something to tell," i.e. a baby in the belly.

In one week, I will be at my medical screening in CT. Until then, I will be patiently waiting for the excitement.