Postpartum: getting back to "normal"

As a surrogate, the most common question received is, "Won't it be hard giving up the baby?"

Simply stated, "No. Not at all."

I can only speak from my experience, but I think most other surrogates agree that this couldn't be less difficult.

The mindset is completely different for this child and their family. The application process, matching with the IPs, medical screening, drugs, transfer, pregnancy. It is all for this new family. Conscious decisions are made and they are all so this couple can have the family they've been dreaming about and working for.

When delivery day came, I felt guilty that Michael and Jason wouldn't be able to make it to the birth of their little girl. I hated making that FaceTime call. As soon as Bunny was born, my husband, Justin, was at the warming cart taking photos and video to send to the new dads before their flight. After she was bundled up, Justin held her and it was reminiscent of the birth of our son. I was afraid Justin was beginning to become attached, which worried me. Then, he looked up at me, smirked and said, "We get to go home and sleep after this!" I laughed and knew he was back in reality.

I have to give Michael and Jason the highest complement: they are awesome dads. The anxiety and awkwardness of typical new parents didn't show. Besides Thea's beautiful wardrobe of dresses, it couldn't have been more clear how much love (and spoiling) this little girl is in for. I enjoyed the two weeks they were here and was happy to be a part of it all. It was priceless to see the family bonds form.

Dempsey and I met them at the airport to pick up the car seat they had borrowed from a co-worker (it really does take a village!). I was so nervous to see them go. In all honesty, I didn't want to meet them. I didn't want to cry in front of them. I knew I would be a mess and I didn't want them to remember me like that; I didn't want that to be my "goodbye."

At the end of our adventure, saying goodbye to the baby was easy. I was sad to say goodbye to her dads. For almost a year, our entire relationship was because of this wonderful baby girl. The contract, the transfer, the heartbeat confirmation, the sonogram and first meeting with Michael and Jason, the emails, the Skype and FaceTime calls and eventually the birth. All for her. And while I'm quite fond of her, I'm very fond of her parents and the relationship we have built. Surrogacy brought a farm girl from the middle of the US and a couple from the United Kingdom together - in what other world would we have ever met?

While they are thankful beyond words to me and mine for our help with their family, I'm ever gracious to them. They were always so kind and respectful to me and my family and I can't thank them enough for letting me experience their joy. Justin even said, "We won the lottery with them." I love my photo updates of Thea and am so excited to see a new e-mail from her dads.

So, at the fork in our road, I hugged each of them as they dragged their excessive baggage to the airport terminal. We kept it short and sweet. Luckily, my sunglasses helped me appear to be keeping it together. As I drove away, I turned up my Pop Hits and Technotronic iTunes radio station and tried to sing and shoulder dance to entertain my toddler. Tears fell to commemorate the end of a chapter in my life, but I hold so much excitement to have the opportunity to see them as a family.

Parent Edition: a note from the new dads

...and quite an accomplishment it was too!

We arrived to see our wonderful surrogate and her family and our new family there too in the cot by the door! We had spent the last 24 hours flying from London to New York to Chicago and finally to KS. We arrived a day after the main event, which we understand was peppered with charming expletives. We asked if we could pick her up....it was so alien to us that this was it and we were dads. 

And how wonderful to be dads slowly beginning to seep in.

Morgan's son had consoled our little bunny by telling her that it was ok, they would find her daddies when she cried and here we were. At last with our new love in our arms. We stayed at the hospital one night and in KS two more weeks. We had all the paper work done in a week, but enjoyed the time with our little bundle so much we didn't want to return to the real world. Jason also had to catch up on Honey boo boo and Dance Moms!

We are back now with no Morgan to support us, we had a scare when we found she had developed a rash to some horrid clothes some distant aunt bought her (straight to the bin), we had a breeze through customs on her US passport with a very excited border guard who's first words when we approached the counter was "Surrogate?" then "Congratulations!" and we have managed to register Thea at the local GP (oh dear how different the UK health service appears in comparison). 

We have had lots of visitors but we are still making sure there is plenty of time for just the three of us....every day brings a joy, every day we are grateful to Morgan and our egg donor Amanda!

x

Managing the Details

3 weeks left!

It's amazing, how quickly a pregnant woman will stop counting up and start counting down to delivery day.

We are down to the final month. My last pregnancy was 2.5 years ago and I will verify that this child-bearing "thing" is for the younger crowd. Little Miss Bunny seems to be resting very low. There are times mid-walk I have to stop and kind of crouch over to get her out of a very uncomfortable and compromising position.

As you can imagine, two very excited parents are already packed and ready to fly! I have yet to pack my hospital bag, so they are making me look bad.

Almost all of the legal stuff has been completed. The Pre-Birth Order (PBO) was approved! That document will establish the rightful parents and will take my name off of Bunny's birth certificate once she is born. The only things now left to do will happen after she is born. What a relief it is to have very organized parents.

I had an OB appointment on Monday and am down to the once-a-week visits. I am dilated to a 1 and "about half way thinned out," according to my doctor. Let me just say, there are a few things one forgets and blocks out after the birth of a child; cervix checks are one of those. Since I grew up on a farm, I always related it to my dad preg checking the cows (just google it...). Those gloves go all the way up the shoulder, so that poor cow has it MUCH worse off than myself.

34 Weeks

I have five weeks left of being pregnant.

HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!?

Michael and Jason fly in to KC in one month. I'm excited to see them again and excited to help them set up their temporary apartment for their new family.

This little foot photo is a few weeks old. I'm sure it is bigger now and I can assure you it is much more tappy these days. During the ultrasound she was wiggly and playing with her other foot. Both of those little feet like to find their way into my ribs. She prefers me to use proper, upright posture - She's already so British.
Hopefully, she'll have (at least) a little bit of fuzz for hair. She was measuring in the 61st percentile for size. I like that; she's no behemoth and she'll still be healthily sized.

It has been such a relief to have such a boring pregnancy. Isn't that what everyone hopes for? Nothing to get nervous about and everything to go according to the plan. I do have a follow-up appointment with the neurologist this week. My CT scan was normal, so that is good news. Hopefully, those strange symptoms were just a weird fluke that will disappear.

Dempsey is finally noticing my sizable bump. I lifted my shirt to show him and he laughed and proceeded to drum on it a little while. He felt her kick last night and quickly pulled his little hand away. I suppose that would be weird if you weren't expecting it!

I may have thoroughly confused the poor child by telling him there is a bunny residing in that bump. However, it was pretty funny when he walked over to Justin and asked if he was also smuggling a bunny in his belly. My very audible laugh received a glare.

Tap Dancer

 

I was in denial for a while.

It's undeniable now; Bunny is kicking or tap dancing like a Riverdance girl.

My OB told me I have a posterior placenta (meaning it's attached at the back of my baby tank) so it would be a little longer before I could feel her really clogging around (my words, not hers).  At 20 weeks, let it be written, she made her presence known.








At 21 weeks, she is about 10.5 inches long and weighs just a little less than a pound. I'm still not that big out front, but definitely fitting well into my maternity clothes. The cold Kansas weather lets my bulky pea coat hide the extra me. That makes picking Dempsey up from daycare a lot easier without any extra questions about reserving an extra space for the Young family.

Hopefully I can get the Bellybuds out this week and start some Baby Mozart jam sessions. For those of you that don't know, Bellybuds are little speakers you stick to your growing belly to play music or other audio. I got them as a gift with my son and I think they are great. Dempsey is quite the music connoisseur and at age two enjoys Call Me Maybe, Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus (referred to as "the broken girl...)... but only if these artists are singing with Jimmy Fallon (truth be told, he really loves Jimmy Fallon).

Our goal with Bellybuds this go-round, is to have Michael and Jason record their voices to play to Bunny. I've heard that Alice in Wonderland is currently in production. Until then, she'll be listening to Baby Mozart, the Lumineers, Mumford and Sons... and maybe Katy Perry... Or Jimmy Fallon if Dempsey has anything to say about it!

Building Anticipation

I've been a slacker in the blogosphere.

My apologies. I've been busy in the rest of my lifeosphere.

I've started my Master's. Finally. Now, in two years, I might be able to get a job where I can use, at least, one of my degrees. Maybe.

Michael and Jason are officially 17 weeks pregnant. CRAZY! Where has the time gone? I've been getting lost in the lull of no news is good news.

I unpacked old and purchased a few new maternity clothes. I don't know if I wore these with Dempsey, but I've got to fit them in to my winter wardrobe; maybe with tights. Aren't they beautiful?

I really wish I could have snapped a pic of the khaki pants that were in my second-hand tote (surely my sister didn't REALLY wear these horrid things). I STRONGLY DISLIKE khaki's because they've never been nice at accentuating my rump. But the maternity khaki's take it to a new level of figure abuse... it's just plain mean.

In any case, I'm happy I will be enjoying Thanksgiving in some awesome stretchy pants. Maybe, I'll even let Justin borrow them. Just for lunch.

NEXT WEEK Michael and Jason will be flying over the pond to see their baby wiggle on the ultra sound screen! Oh, and of course, we'll find out if there is a he or a she residing in the baby tank. I've got my own suspicions, I'll let everyone else spend the next week guessing.

Grow, Bunny, Grow!

Bunny is growing!

It is almost unfathomable to think about how much this little bebe has grown in two weeks. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Bunny is only the size of a grape - but that looks like a big grape!

I came to a conclusion today. Almost an epiphany. It is hard to explain the relationship of a surrogate with her Intended Parents. Even harder to explain the relationship with the child.

With my own pregnancy, I wasn't overly "ga-ga" over the idea of our little bundle of joy. Maybe it was more terrifying that exciting. I didn't make much of a big deal out of my pregnancy. I didn't tell many people and my mother and Justin both had to beg for the go-ahead to spread the good news. I loved my baby in utero, but I didn't get in a good bond until he smiled at me.

I was thinking about how much Bunny had grown and how exciting that was. Of course, I always find myself sending pictures or video of the appointment while still in the parking lot.

The difference between loving your own child and loving a surrogate child is that when there is a milestone, you get so excited for the parents. You try to imagine which one will be the mother hen and which one will the spoiler. As creepy as it sounds, I find myself day dreaming of their future. I love seeing the excitement in their faces every time we Skype and I'm so thankful that we have been extremely successful thus far.

It is pretty rare that I think things are happening to me. I more often think things are happening to us - Michael, Jason and myself. More often, I refer to things as happening for them. This is their pregnancy. This is their baby. I'm just excited to be a small part of it. I think that is the main difference of being a surrogate mama.

Moving along

Still nothing exciting on my end.

However, Michael and Jason are relaxing in France. I got an email this weekend stating that they were planning on "driving down."

Since I living in Kansas, I equate that with what would be a drive to Texas. That doesn't sound nearly as beautiful.

They are enjoying beautiful French countryside with sunflower fields. If I were to drive, I might be lucky to see a dead armadillo with a beer bottle propped in its puffy little hands. It just doesn't produce the same imagery.

This?

Or this?

They checked in today with plans of visiting the village market. Apparently the weather there is beautiful with crisp night air; enough to need a fire. Meanwhile, back here in Kansas, I am expecting a high of 90 degrees. Never mind that two days ago it was 60 degrees and two days from now we will have a high of 70.

Their is a fair at the village market and the semi-celebrity, Chicken Man, will be there. He is renowned for the quality of his organic Bresse chickens. What a man! If Justin and I don't work out this is who I plan on running away with.

I doubt this is what chicken man really looks like, but I can dream, can't I?!?

Little Peanut

It's Thursday!

Don't worry - s/he'll get much cuter...

That means it was testing day!

The little peanut's heart beat is growing and getting stronger. I could actually see the little beat on the ultra sound screen. I also think I saw the start of little limb buds! 

The nurse practitioner (who is amazing, by the way) said that this week baby looks like a peanut, but next week, baby will resemble a gummy bear, which, of course, sounds delicious to me. 

Ironically, the two things stashed in my desk drawer happen to be peanut M&Ms and gummy bears...

Meet the Parents

Due to technical difficulties with blogger, I have been asked to share this blog post from the intended parents. Hopefully this is just the first of many to come. Enjoy!

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We have been keeping a low profile as really Morgan is the star here....but now that "we" are officially pregnant, we can't control our excitement as IPs any longer. So how did we get here... five years ago we took a career break and travelled the world for a year and half. We had time to reflect and time to plan for our future away from the pressures of work and the daily grind. On a garden square in New York we got engaged and on a beach in Koh Samui we decided to explore growing our family. 

Fast forward through the rest of our travels, setting up a new business, buying a new home and researching surrogate options, we eventually met up with Circle and started the process that brought us to the news of being officially pregnant yesterday.

Once we had filled in the interminable paperwork and sought to understand how the journey would proceed, we got to the great bits...matching with our wonderful egg donor and our amazing surrogate. The matching was intuitive and we felt an immediate connection between ourselves and the two wonderful women who have helped us get this far. Words can't really explain how lucky we feel to have meet and been accepted by them. It was a nervous wait to see if they were willing to help us and it still is difficult to express how generous they have been to make it possible to arrive at this point.

Seeing the ultrasound yesterday and hearing the heartbeat was astounding. It brought tears to our mother's eyes and the still photo has been safely lodged in our wallets. There's a long journey still to go...Morgan has morning sickness, raging hormones, tiredness and more pills to take...we have to wait till our lives get turned upside down. I know we have the best of that deal but despite being an ocean away we are with her all the way.

Michael and Jason

Counting it down

In one month from today, I will be attending my "readiness" appointment prepping for an embryo transfer!

This is my last "drug-free" week. I will be getting my medication in a couple of days.

The good news about my fertility drugs: I don't have to use any needles. I would have been okay with needles; I had already lined up my administering volunteers.

The other news about my fertility drugs. I have two pills. One will be taken orally. One will not. I will leave most details to your imagination, but this daring little pill gets to boldly go where no pill has gone before.

FAQs and concerns

Everyone Else's FAQs:

1. "How will you give up the baby?"

• Simply stated, it's not my baby. That baby belongs in the longing and loving arms of its intended parents. Of course there will be a strong connection with the child, but that is because of the strong connection I have built with its parents.

2. "How did you come to this decision?"

• It's been in the back of my mind for a while. I seriously considered it shortly after I had my own child, but Justin wasn't ready for it yet. It took some convincing, but all I really had to say was, "Look at our baby. Imagine if we couldn't have that. How empty would we feel if we couldn't hear that awesome little giggle." He was pretty much mush after that.
  
  I suppose that still doesn't answer the why. The further i am into this process, the more I will be able to answer that question. To be continued...

3. "How much money are you getting?"

• I am amazed how many people are comfortable to rudely ask this question without their brain filter catching it. I'm a pretty open person, and I really wouldn't care to tell an acquaintance my weight or how much I make at my job, but this one irritates me. A lot. Maybe because this process is about completing a family. There is a little person at stake. There is a family at stake. Surrogacy is usually a last resort and I've put a lot of pressure on myself to deliver some awesome results. And the best question these bystanders can come up with is, "How much?"
  
  My first instinct is to bark, "It's none of your G D business." After I calm that instinct, I will tell you that all of that information is readily available on pretty much every surrogacy agency website. Put in a little effort and Google it.

4. "How does that all work?"

• In my case, there is an egg donor. Her egg and one of my IP's genetic material created an embryo that is waiting for my baby tank to make a nice comfortable home. Soon, little baby embryo, soon.

My concerns:
1. How well will my family handle it?

• It's now a part of the conversation. My mom keeps getting more and more comfortable  with the task at hand, although she hasn't told any of her siblings.

  2. What should I expect for strangers reactions when they ask me about "my" baby I'm so obviously carrying?

• I didn't like the attention my own pregnancy garnered. I imagine I will like this attention even less, because I will  have to address certain reactions. It's hard to  think that the IPs can't experience that attention. To look at them, it won't be obvious to any stranger that they are expecting. I on the other hand with be having a Q&A  session in the grocery store when I just wanted to pop in for a gallon of milk. I think I may invest in one of those surrogacy T-shirts, in black of course. This lady doesn't wear white when pregnant, especially if there is a camera any where within the vicinity.

3. Failure. Multiple attempts.

• Need I say more? As difficult as it is for me, I can't imagine the agony the IPs would be experiencing. I'm trying to stay positive, but the statistics are a 50% chance of success with one embryo and around 80% with a two-embryo transfer (with standard margin of error, I'm hoping). Glass half full? The odds are just as likely to be successful so let's stay positive.

4. Postpartum

• Baby blues aren't very fun. The great thing about being a surrogate is that you don't have to stay home a feed a baby every couple hours, although I will be pumping, so it's still fairly taxing... I wonder if it is easier to dull the hormones with an anti depressant, or just leave town for a refresher. The real plan is probably keeping my baby boy home with me to keep me company and keep my mind focused.

5. Postpartum relationship

• I think every surrogate has the fear in the back of her mind that the Intended Parents just might change their minds. That the relationship they desire isn't the same as the one you desire. From their point of view it must be terrifying; they've put an amazing trust in a woman they barely know and she is carrying their child. She could go crazy and skip town with their precious cargo or a variety of other scenarios. I hope that my family becomes an extension of their family. 

6. Hero Award

• Let me be very clear. I don't think I'm special. I don't think I'm great. I think I am one person trying to put some good juju out in the world. I've already been told that I am, "amazing" and "selfless." That makes me uncomfortable. I don't think of myself that way, so it is hard to give an un-awkward response when it happens. I am excited that I get to be a part of Jason and Michael's adventure. I am the lucky one that gets to get to share their experience (yes, I know, they do get a baby out of the deal, and that is pretty lucky/special/awesome).
  
  I think, especially as Americans, we forget how big the world is. I am not well traveled, I don't have a passport (YET!!) and I get really excited when I speak to someone with a "foreign" accent. Getting the opportunity to work with international intended parents let's me link to the "outside world."
  
  I also want to set an example for Dempsey. He is much too little to understand now, but I hope one day he will be able to appreciate the idea of "paying it forward" and maybe model that behavior.
  
  So really, I'm being pretty selfish. I hope Michael and Jason are okay with that - as long as they get their little honey bee, I think they will be.

We Have a Transfer Date!

August 2!

I sent Jason and Michael this message:

 I finished the note telling them they needed to call their mothers at their earliest convenience.
Jason replied back very quickly with:

 I literally have trouble containing a huge smile every time Jason uses, "OMG." I love that reaction; it makes him seem so candid and boyish. I love it.
And here is Michael's reaction:

I laughed out loud in my cubicle at work. "Restrained Brits," such an image to upkeep... :D


It is barely more than a month away and it seems so far away!  I was excited, but their excitement sent me over the top and should carry me through the rest of the week, at least.

Contract signed

Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

Please enjoy this GLEE video of the same name.

It's amazing that the anxiety I had a few days ago has just melted away. A great way to end the week and I'm looking forward to my skype date with my IPs discussing the IFV details.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Contracts and the Nitty Gritty

I've passed the screening. We've been matched. My body has been medically approved. Now we negotiate the contract.

The word itself, contract, sounds so cold and business like. 

Obviously, I understand the necessity of it all. Let's be honest, most surrogates aren't legal junkies. I would assume a select few enjoy reading business/legal documents for fun, which just makes those 37 pages (give or take a few) of legal jargon painful. But you can bet your sweet little fanny I read every word of that thing while diligently adding my concerns, comments and edits throughout the day. Justin - well he read through it in less than an hour and e-mailed, "Looks good to me."

Yesterday, I got a little down. I was frustrated. Honestly, I felt dirty. I felt guilt. I thought that something in my concerns or edits could or might offend my IPs. I had not expected that a stack of papers would make me feel like that. I shouldn't have allowed myself to feel like that, but I suppose my great-grandparent's Irish Catholic guilt may run a little thick in my veins. 

I'm excited for the end of this week. My hope is that it will be finished and signed and we can move on to the more personal side of things. 

The Scottish Highland games

Michael grew up in Scotland.

As I was perusing a local monthly magazine about the local events and saw that Kansas City was having a Scottish Highland Games - Come be a Scot, even if your not - I was excited for the opportunity introduce a little scottish culture to my son and my sister's children. Not to mention, it was a great excuse to get out of the house on a Saturday.

In good spirit (and being the awesome mom that I am), I was determined that Dempsey would be wearing a kilt. My mom did remind me that part of our lineage is from Scotland, and it just so happens to be the side that Dempsey's family namesake is derived from. How fitting, right?  Was else could I do? I had to make him a kilt.

What a handsome, wee lad.

All in all, the games were great and it was nice to expose the kids to a little bit of culture (Not too much, we wouldn't try the delicacies... Jason warned us about the haggis, thankfully).

The kids made shields where they colored their own crests. Dempsey is still bringing his to me and says, "awesome," which is what I think Justin tells him when Dempsey shows it off. The boys we enamored by the knives and swords and Leah enjoyed the dancing girls and anything pretty.

My Intended Parents - A Concise Introduction

After chatting them up this weekend, they said they were comfortable being "named" in my blog.

I was very nervous to even tell them that I had a blog. Some people are very private. I am not one of those people, but thought that it was important to keep personal information or descriptors hushed until I had approval.

Great news; Michael and Jason loved my blog and were even giddy to interact with my posts. Maybe I'll get one of them to write a guest post... I'll have to figure out how to do that first. Any ideas, Jeni?

British Baby Showers

I watched Barbara Walters' 20/20 program "Bringing Up Baby: Royal Edition" (hard hitting news, I know) and it was mentioned that Kate was in the middle of quite the conundrum. Her mother started a party planning company, but the Brits don't "do" baby showers. It's "an American thing."  The woman on the program said that the British aren't into making a big deal of things and think it is a little, for lack of a better term, rude to expect people to bring you gifts.

Mind blown.

Of course I had to investigate this cultural disconnect in traditions. I emailed my IPs and received this response and I quote,

"... isn't that just an excuse for all your non pregnant friends to drink at your
expense whilst you have to stay sober and discuss how easy it is to sleep?!?!"

I was astonished (and slightly disappointed they wouldn't jump at the chance to sit, sip, compare and complain...that's my typical girl's night). 

Now, I will say, I think gender reveal parties are a little silly. They seem like a stretch when it comes to excuses to throw a party. But a baby shower? That was just part of the "coming of age" process. I don't think I know a person that had a baby without having a shower.

Poppycock. I will have to convince them how important it is to their livelihood.

My Journey Coordinator

I met my journey coordinator today.

She is the third "go-to" person I've had at Circle and will be my journey "overseer" for the rest of our adventure.

We went over all of the upcoming paperwork and generalized time lines. I hung up thinking my notes were still a little hazy with the details. She speaks very quickly. As I reflect I have to smile as this thought pops into my head. If I had trouble keeping up with her New England accent, I wonder how my London IPs did.

That thought deepened. Somehow, Americans went from having their British accents, mutating to an Eastern accent, and then continuing to evolve across the US with such different dialects.

In just 15 days Justin and I will be flying out for our medical clearance. I'm sure time will fly. Maybe I should start packing now...

Perfect Match!

We met the parents!

They were absolutely wonderful and I find myself getting excited and daydreaming about our adventure and what their in for (I say that because I've been chasing my naughty-at-times toddler).

Imagine this guy's accent...

The IPs are from London and I'll admit I felt very "American" when speaking to them. Their accents are beautiful, one from Wales and the other from the Scottish countryside. I never thought I had much of a Kansas accent. The term I used earlier, American, let me explain... Do you know when breaking news, especially bad weather reports, are on the news and they find someone's neighbor to interview? It is almost always a person that couldn't find anything but pajamas to wear and is missing a few teeth. Now think a bit of how they speak... Still thinking? Got it? Good (if not, I've added a picture to the right if you lack imagination). I felt like the featured neighbor on the breaking weather report; that is how beautiful their accents were.

I'm excited to share this adventure with such a deserving couple, soon-to-be family. In the meantime, I will be practicing my diction.