Building Anticipation

I've been a slacker in the blogosphere.

My apologies. I've been busy in the rest of my lifeosphere.

I've started my Master's. Finally. Now, in two years, I might be able to get a job where I can use, at least, one of my degrees. Maybe.

Michael and Jason are officially 17 weeks pregnant. CRAZY! Where has the time gone? I've been getting lost in the lull of no news is good news.

I unpacked old and purchased a few new maternity clothes. I don't know if I wore these with Dempsey, but I've got to fit them in to my winter wardrobe; maybe with tights. Aren't they beautiful?

I really wish I could have snapped a pic of the khaki pants that were in my second-hand tote (surely my sister didn't REALLY wear these horrid things). I STRONGLY DISLIKE khaki's because they've never been nice at accentuating my rump. But the maternity khaki's take it to a new level of figure abuse... it's just plain mean.

In any case, I'm happy I will be enjoying Thanksgiving in some awesome stretchy pants. Maybe, I'll even let Justin borrow them. Just for lunch.

NEXT WEEK Michael and Jason will be flying over the pond to see their baby wiggle on the ultra sound screen! Oh, and of course, we'll find out if there is a he or a she residing in the baby tank. I've got my own suspicions, I'll let everyone else spend the next week guessing.

The Thing About Naysayers...

...they suck.

Often they shake your convictions and even your foundation.

I've met little opposition to the surrogacy journey. I knew at some point I would, and that didn't bother me. I'm usually not up for caring much about what other people think.

However, it stings when it is family.

While the details aren't necessary, it is important to share why harsh words can make such a little difference in this journey. Michael's mum has been overjoyed by the whole prospect of extending the family. She is incredibly excited to become a grand-mum. Michael shared these kind words she had for me this weekend:

I want to tell her how happy she has made my 2 boys and me. I want to say a big thank you to the whole family as it could not happen with out their help, so thank you all.

That, people, is the reason that hateful or insensitive insights don't matter.

Raging Hormones

I remember teenage angst. Well.

I've been feeling like a caged animal the past week.

It's obvious; I'm pregnant.

I knew it before I tested. I just looked at Justin and wanted to rip his face off. Poor guy never knew what hit him.

He doesn't understand why I'm reacting so negatively to a pile of [his] clothes in the basement right outside of the laundry room. BECAUSE IT MAKES ME CRAZY that he can't 1. put his clothes in the $50 laundry sorter I bought to lessen the hassle of laundry and 2. move the pile five feet into the washer.

 I've been catching up on the 3rd season of Dexter (relax! I've been busy!) and the girlfriend is pregnant and rants at Dex for, well, nothing really. Justin looks at me and murmurs a, "Huh..." I could have thrown a chair at him, BECAUSE IT MAKES ME CRAZY he could even relate that scene to his beautiful, loving wife, awesome mother of his child.




So tonight, when Justin got home, I admitted it. "Honey, I think my hormones may be getting the better of me."
"What would make you say that?" asked a very sarcastic husband.
The reply was less than P.G... because that sarcasm kind of made me crazy...

Work this week may prove to be difficult.

I am prepared to make a sign for my cubicle.

Lucky

Sometimes I forget to stop and be thankful.

I started my adventure at the end of April. Matched with the intended parents in May. Screened in June. Started medication in July. Transferred August 2nd and officially pregnant on August 15.

That is amazing.

Do a quick Google search of "Surrogacy success rates." Let me know if you get a direct answer. 

At best, surrogates and intended parents are hoping for a 50% chance at success. HOPING FOR 50% - did you see that?

Being a part of surrogacy support group has been a great opportunity for me. While my partner and family are very supportive, there are some things that you want to share with your surrogate family. They cheer you on for appointments, blood work and pregnancy tests. They also sympathize with you for thin lining, negative pregnancy tests and sometimes, at the very worst of things, surrogacy denial from doctor and agency.

It is hard to revel in a victory when one of your surro-sisters is agonizing after her second failed transfer. It is hard to celebrate the stars aligning for a perfect outcome when one of your surro-sisters was just banned from surrogacy from something she couldn't control - her body's reaction to meds.

That being said, I find myself moving my state of mind back to cautious. I am so thankful that our journey has been so seamless, but I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous. 

Can things possibly stay this perfect? 

YES; surely, they can. 

What is Crinone?

How awesome are suppositories?

If you follow along with my blog or any other surrogates, you might hear us talk about suppositories. There are many complaints concerning surrogacy medications. I actually have none. Cri-none, to be exact (enjoy that pun...).

When I was first given my medication I was skeptical. No shots; just oral medication and suppositories. "Will that be enough?" I thought. I'm happy to report that yes, it worked perfectly to get my baby tank fluffy for a transfer.

What do these suppositories look like? How does it work, exactly? I was expecting a little gel capsule and some kind of applicator.

Crinone is just an applicator with progesterone gel. The tip to the right tears off and then the gel is expelled with that handy, dandy little air pocket.

I administer this twice daily. I would administer it 10 times daily if it meant not having to shove 3 differently sized needles into my skin, fat, thigh or rear for the better part of four months.

Transfer Week

It's nice to be home.

As I walked into the office today, several women asked if I was pregnant. Maybe, but isn't it a bit too soon, ladies?

August 2nd was the big day: embryo transfer. I was lucky enough to sucker Beatrice, my surrogacy coordinator, and Dr. Lavy into posing for a picture with me. Seriously, these people are amazing. I have nothing but awesome things to say about NEFI. I am also so sad that some people and surrogates have to experience other fertility clinics that are far less accommodating. Not only are the staff and nurses so sweet and nice (a terribly hard thing to find at a doctor's office), but Dr. Lavy is so personable. His bedside manner stands out far above the rest. Also, special shout out to Grace - my recovery nurse. She won my heart with the Oreo's and Tylenol.

The transfer is difficult to explain. Not because of the detailed procedure, but because of the emotions and feelings. I wasn't sad. My excitement had subsided and I felt nerves in the hours proceeding transfer. Perhaps pressure. Definitely pressure. As I was typing Carpe Diem, I got a text from Justin. The message wasn't anything elaborate; basically "Good luck. I love you." I felt a tear stream down my face. The hormones had finally caught up to me. I felt lucky to have a partner that was willing to let me get pregnant with someone else's baby and turn our "routine" upside down for the better part of a year. I am lucky. But let's be honest, he's pretty lucky he snagged a hot lady that can make this gown look good!


After gown-ing up, I went into the "operating" room. It was like any other "lady" appointment, except I had my mother behind me, my intended parents tuning in via Skype over my left shoulder, a nurse with an ultra sound and a lab coordinator walk in with a foot-long blastocyte-containing catheter for transfer. "The best part?" you ask - Beethoven booming over the speakers during the five minutes that passed. Completion was topped off with a round of applause from Jason and Michael, probably intended for Dr. Lavy, but I like to take a little bit of credit...

Look at those beautiful blastocytes!
Eight embryos were thawed. Seven survived the thaw. Three were deemed acceptably healthy for transfer. Two, the healthiest boy and girl, were transferred.

Michael and Jason were sweet enough to send me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and chocolate-covered strawberries. Dempsey received a teddy bear for giving up his mum for the week.

In case you were wondering, YES the flowers made it home! It took some creative thinking and packing, but, alas, they made it and are a beautiful addition to my kitchen counter.



I was even lucky enough to bump into two surrogates out of my support group, Chana and Carrie!  Chana is from Cali and Carrie is from Charlotte(ish). How great is it that a support group set up on Facebook can bring total strangers together. I had never met the women, and yet, it was like we were long lost friends.

Carpe Diem

Today is the day!

My mom and I flew into New England on Wednesday evening. We started the morning with breakfast with another surrogate that had just had her transfer. It was awesome getting to know another surrogate in person. After our monitoring appointment I ran Mom ragged strolling the streets of NYC. Staying busy kept me from focusing on why I'm here.

In 45 minutes I will be at the clinic being prepped for "conception" or transfer. It's becoming a little daunting. I try to find words to describe and I'm stooped. Surreal is the best I can come up with. I find myself being extremely short with patience and every now and again I find my blood running cold. I suppose I'm letting the nerves get the better of me.

Dr. Gad Lavy, NEFI

Luckily, my IPs will be joining me via SKYPE. I know they are so excited. I've been in the surrogacy process four months; they've been here for three years.

I KNOW this will be a POSITIVE appointment (enjoy that pun). My baby tank was deemed "gorgeous" yesterday at the monitoring appointment. NEFI has a beautiful way with words. Plus, look at that doctor with those sweet babies; Could I be in better hands?

I'll be back with an update later this afternoon.

FAQs and concerns

Everyone Else's FAQs:

1. "How will you give up the baby?"

• Simply stated, it's not my baby. That baby belongs in the longing and loving arms of its intended parents. Of course there will be a strong connection with the child, but that is because of the strong connection I have built with its parents.

2. "How did you come to this decision?"

• It's been in the back of my mind for a while. I seriously considered it shortly after I had my own child, but Justin wasn't ready for it yet. It took some convincing, but all I really had to say was, "Look at our baby. Imagine if we couldn't have that. How empty would we feel if we couldn't hear that awesome little giggle." He was pretty much mush after that.
  
  I suppose that still doesn't answer the why. The further i am into this process, the more I will be able to answer that question. To be continued...

3. "How much money are you getting?"

• I am amazed how many people are comfortable to rudely ask this question without their brain filter catching it. I'm a pretty open person, and I really wouldn't care to tell an acquaintance my weight or how much I make at my job, but this one irritates me. A lot. Maybe because this process is about completing a family. There is a little person at stake. There is a family at stake. Surrogacy is usually a last resort and I've put a lot of pressure on myself to deliver some awesome results. And the best question these bystanders can come up with is, "How much?"
  
  My first instinct is to bark, "It's none of your G D business." After I calm that instinct, I will tell you that all of that information is readily available on pretty much every surrogacy agency website. Put in a little effort and Google it.

4. "How does that all work?"

• In my case, there is an egg donor. Her egg and one of my IP's genetic material created an embryo that is waiting for my baby tank to make a nice comfortable home. Soon, little baby embryo, soon.

My concerns:
1. How well will my family handle it?

• It's now a part of the conversation. My mom keeps getting more and more comfortable  with the task at hand, although she hasn't told any of her siblings.

  2. What should I expect for strangers reactions when they ask me about "my" baby I'm so obviously carrying?

• I didn't like the attention my own pregnancy garnered. I imagine I will like this attention even less, because I will  have to address certain reactions. It's hard to  think that the IPs can't experience that attention. To look at them, it won't be obvious to any stranger that they are expecting. I on the other hand with be having a Q&A  session in the grocery store when I just wanted to pop in for a gallon of milk. I think I may invest in one of those surrogacy T-shirts, in black of course. This lady doesn't wear white when pregnant, especially if there is a camera any where within the vicinity.

3. Failure. Multiple attempts.

• Need I say more? As difficult as it is for me, I can't imagine the agony the IPs would be experiencing. I'm trying to stay positive, but the statistics are a 50% chance of success with one embryo and around 80% with a two-embryo transfer (with standard margin of error, I'm hoping). Glass half full? The odds are just as likely to be successful so let's stay positive.

4. Postpartum

• Baby blues aren't very fun. The great thing about being a surrogate is that you don't have to stay home a feed a baby every couple hours, although I will be pumping, so it's still fairly taxing... I wonder if it is easier to dull the hormones with an anti depressant, or just leave town for a refresher. The real plan is probably keeping my baby boy home with me to keep me company and keep my mind focused.

5. Postpartum relationship

• I think every surrogate has the fear in the back of her mind that the Intended Parents just might change their minds. That the relationship they desire isn't the same as the one you desire. From their point of view it must be terrifying; they've put an amazing trust in a woman they barely know and she is carrying their child. She could go crazy and skip town with their precious cargo or a variety of other scenarios. I hope that my family becomes an extension of their family. 

6. Hero Award

• Let me be very clear. I don't think I'm special. I don't think I'm great. I think I am one person trying to put some good juju out in the world. I've already been told that I am, "amazing" and "selfless." That makes me uncomfortable. I don't think of myself that way, so it is hard to give an un-awkward response when it happens. I am excited that I get to be a part of Jason and Michael's adventure. I am the lucky one that gets to get to share their experience (yes, I know, they do get a baby out of the deal, and that is pretty lucky/special/awesome).
  
  I think, especially as Americans, we forget how big the world is. I am not well traveled, I don't have a passport (YET!!) and I get really excited when I speak to someone with a "foreign" accent. Getting the opportunity to work with international intended parents let's me link to the "outside world."
  
  I also want to set an example for Dempsey. He is much too little to understand now, but I hope one day he will be able to appreciate the idea of "paying it forward" and maybe model that behavior.
  
  So really, I'm being pretty selfish. I hope Michael and Jason are okay with that - as long as they get their little honey bee, I think they will be.

We Have a Transfer Date!

August 2!

I sent Jason and Michael this message:

 I finished the note telling them they needed to call their mothers at their earliest convenience.
Jason replied back very quickly with:

 I literally have trouble containing a huge smile every time Jason uses, "OMG." I love that reaction; it makes him seem so candid and boyish. I love it.
And here is Michael's reaction:

I laughed out loud in my cubicle at work. "Restrained Brits," such an image to upkeep... :D


It is barely more than a month away and it seems so far away!  I was excited, but their excitement sent me over the top and should carry me through the rest of the week, at least.

Contract signed

Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

Please enjoy this GLEE video of the same name.

It's amazing that the anxiety I had a few days ago has just melted away. A great way to end the week and I'm looking forward to my skype date with my IPs discussing the IFV details.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Contracts and the Nitty Gritty

I've passed the screening. We've been matched. My body has been medically approved. Now we negotiate the contract.

The word itself, contract, sounds so cold and business like. 

Obviously, I understand the necessity of it all. Let's be honest, most surrogates aren't legal junkies. I would assume a select few enjoy reading business/legal documents for fun, which just makes those 37 pages (give or take a few) of legal jargon painful. But you can bet your sweet little fanny I read every word of that thing while diligently adding my concerns, comments and edits throughout the day. Justin - well he read through it in less than an hour and e-mailed, "Looks good to me."

Yesterday, I got a little down. I was frustrated. Honestly, I felt dirty. I felt guilt. I thought that something in my concerns or edits could or might offend my IPs. I had not expected that a stack of papers would make me feel like that. I shouldn't have allowed myself to feel like that, but I suppose my great-grandparent's Irish Catholic guilt may run a little thick in my veins. 

I'm excited for the end of this week. My hope is that it will be finished and signed and we can move on to the more personal side of things. 

Spreading the News

My mother made a notable milestone.

She was at an off-site training for her job and was asked to for an introduction and some information about herself. She decided to tell them about my surrogacy adventure! I have to thank the people in the training with her; they were very supportive, said very nice things and gave her such a positive reaction.

This is a big step for my mom. Since I told her about becoming a surrogate, she hasn't told anyone; not siblings, not co-workers, not anyone. Of course, this group consisted of strangers that she would never see again, but being able to say it out loud with a warm response will make it easier to tell other people she actually knows. I'm very proud that she was willing to share such a personal journey. Surrogacy will probably be most difficult for her, the worrier. It can't be easy having your child do something potentially dangerous. I almost lost it when Dempsey rode his fire truck scooter down four feet of stairs and that was over in 2 seconds - this journey is at least a year.

I have told all of my close friends, have posted my blog on Facebook (omitting all family members until my mother feels comfortable talking to them about it), told everyone at work and generally just about any relevant person I come into contact with. Justin, on the other hand, has said he doesn't plan on telling anyone "until there is something to tell," i.e. a baby in the belly.

In one week, I will be at my medical screening in CT. Until then, I will be patiently waiting for the excitement.

My Intended Parents - A Concise Introduction

After chatting them up this weekend, they said they were comfortable being "named" in my blog.

I was very nervous to even tell them that I had a blog. Some people are very private. I am not one of those people, but thought that it was important to keep personal information or descriptors hushed until I had approval.

Great news; Michael and Jason loved my blog and were even giddy to interact with my posts. Maybe I'll get one of them to write a guest post... I'll have to figure out how to do that first. Any ideas, Jeni?

British Baby Showers

I watched Barbara Walters' 20/20 program "Bringing Up Baby: Royal Edition" (hard hitting news, I know) and it was mentioned that Kate was in the middle of quite the conundrum. Her mother started a party planning company, but the Brits don't "do" baby showers. It's "an American thing."  The woman on the program said that the British aren't into making a big deal of things and think it is a little, for lack of a better term, rude to expect people to bring you gifts.

Mind blown.

Of course I had to investigate this cultural disconnect in traditions. I emailed my IPs and received this response and I quote,

"... isn't that just an excuse for all your non pregnant friends to drink at your
expense whilst you have to stay sober and discuss how easy it is to sleep?!?!"

I was astonished (and slightly disappointed they wouldn't jump at the chance to sit, sip, compare and complain...that's my typical girl's night). 

Now, I will say, I think gender reveal parties are a little silly. They seem like a stretch when it comes to excuses to throw a party. But a baby shower? That was just part of the "coming of age" process. I don't think I know a person that had a baby without having a shower.

Poppycock. I will have to convince them how important it is to their livelihood.

Perfect Match!

We met the parents!

They were absolutely wonderful and I find myself getting excited and daydreaming about our adventure and what their in for (I say that because I've been chasing my naughty-at-times toddler).

Imagine this guy's accent...

The IPs are from London and I'll admit I felt very "American" when speaking to them. Their accents are beautiful, one from Wales and the other from the Scottish countryside. I never thought I had much of a Kansas accent. The term I used earlier, American, let me explain... Do you know when breaking news, especially bad weather reports, are on the news and they find someone's neighbor to interview? It is almost always a person that couldn't find anything but pajamas to wear and is missing a few teeth. Now think a bit of how they speak... Still thinking? Got it? Good (if not, I've added a picture to the right if you lack imagination). I felt like the featured neighbor on the breaking weather report; that is how beautiful their accents were.

I'm excited to share this adventure with such a deserving couple, soon-to-be family. In the meantime, I will be practicing my diction.

Potential IP's

I was presented with the potential intended parent's profile last week. I've been very hesitant to say anything about it; I don't want to jinx anything...

BUT, I have a Skype date with them tomorrow morning. I promise I'll get back with you with the details soon.

Breaking the news

This past weekend I made a trip.

I noticed, after about 45 minutes of driving, that I had been nervously bouncing my foot the whole way.

I was on my way to tell my parents about my family's decision to be a surrogate. I played out the worst-case scenarios. Even the worst-case scenarios weren't that bad, but they did account for a bit more yelling.

I am happy to report, no yelling. 

My mother took it harder than I hoped, but honestly, it was expected. I think it is just hard for her to wrap her head around right now. She is a very loving person and I think she worries about the emotional aspect of this adventure. Rightly so; it would be nutty to treat this like a business venture, with no emotional ties. She's warming up to it. I love her.

Let it be known: My father
looks nothing like this. 

My father was pretty predictable, as well. After my mom pulled out the chair at the dinner table and announce, "Here, spill it." and then walked away, my father naturally looked over his glasses at me with this, "What did you do..." kind of look (see picture at right). I kind of blurted out, "I'm just going to keep it simple: I've decided I'm going to be a surrogate." His head turns slightly, as if to process. Then drilled me on a few topics, including my motives, my husband's thoughts and then told me that I was an adult that didn't need his permission. "You're young, you had a healthy pregnancy and fairly easy childbirth. You'll make somebody very happy." What a great guy, right? Little did he know, the ace in my pocket if he opposed was, "Dad, you've had surrogate livestock." Luckily, I didn't have to use it. It would have been a moot point, comparing livestock to his child.

Next stop: interview with the social worker.